I Can't Believe This Guy
by mistoffolees
Summary: Hevvin and Ambrosia both thought they had the worst fate possible


Hevvin had barely dropped his duffle bag in the small, cramped dorm room he would be calling home for the year when he was bound up to by a peppy guy in khakis.

Why did it have to be khakis?

The boy held out a hand and beamed "Hi, I'm Ambrosia Angelbright" he said, well, brightly.

Hevvin grabbed the offered hand and shook it limply "Hevvin"

"I suppose you're also a freshman?" Ambrosia chattered on "This school is so great, I'm quite honored to be here. You know, I'm from out of state, this isn't my first time away from home though, I took a gap year to do a mission trip in Auvergne, it was amazing, beautiful countryside….."

Hevvin ignored him, dumped the contents of his bag onto the unmade bed on the left side of the room, and began to organize it.

Ambrosia, one year his senior and half a head taller than him, continued his blathering about the French cityscape in the background.

"What about you?" he said as Hevvin stuffed a ball of clothing untidily into a box under his bed.

"What do you mean?" he said as he kicked the box back into place

"Have you been anywhere interesting?" the boy asked innocently

"Went to a night club once, left drunk off my ass and wearing nothing but a speedo and strap on stuck to my forehead" he said, as straight faced as he could manage.

Ambrosia furrowed his eyebrows, blushing slightly, Hevvin lost it.

Ambrosia cleared his throat as Hevvin wiped tears away. The colour had risen in Ambrosia's cheeks, he gave a soft "ermh" and turned away to pat down his bedsheets. He looked up, then down at his bare wrist, then up again, almost pleadingly. He then fumbled out of the room muttering something about groceries and the time.

That got rid of him real quick, thought Hevvin, laughing to himself.

"lewd!" hissed Ambrosia as he walked down the hallway towards his car. "Fowl. Crass. Heathen!" His face was flaming red. He knew that his new roommate was joking, there was no way that he could have actually done something like that. But the thought!

He breathed deeply as he climbed into the driver's seat. He drove off towards the nearest grocery store, knowing he didn't actually need anything. He continued to be embarrassed (and, as such, angry) throughout his shopping, which only lasted a few minutes before he paid for his armful of boxed foods and vegetables and hurried out of the store. He had finally relaxed, though, by the time he reached his dormitory door. He had clearly been overreacting.

The door clicked open and he peered around it and stepped in. He coughed to make himself known to Hevvin, who was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling, the faint thrum of (overly loud) music coming from his headphones.

"Hello" he said as he set his bags down in the corner next to the miniature kitchen he had set up, a coffee maker and toaster sitting on top of a mini-fridge.

Hevvin turned his head to look at him and smirked, clearly still thinking about his 'joke'. He had flung his bag unceremoniously to the foot of his bed, where it was lying, still half full, on top of his forgotten bedding.

Ambrosia sat on his own bed, not sure what to do. The silence was killing him, he took out a notepad and scribbled a few notes on it. 'Go to the book store' 'Call mom' 'Don't ask your weird roommate any more questions'

Something was dropped in the room next door, and then it was silent again.

Golly, this is awkward.

The poor guy was twitching. Hevvin glanced out of the corner of his eye at Ambrosia, who was sitting across the room writing on a notepad, looking up, and around, and then scribbling something else down. He swung is feet down and pulled his headphones off.

"So whats your major?" he asked

Ambrosia jumped, yikes, dude needs to chill.

"Ehem. Well, this year I'm just taking a bunch of preliminaries, nothing specific to one major, per say….but, erm, I've been thinking…." He trailed of a moment, looking some strange mix between proud and rather uncomfortable, like his major was some dark secret he was dying to tell. He clearly had been planning this moment since he was nine, though. "I'll probably major in history. I think I could make quite the fruitful career as a historian of the evolution of religion in the Greco-Roman empire" he said with rehearsed precision. "Uhm, maybe." He faltered.

Hevvin stifled a laugh. He couldn't have imagined a more suitably outrageous answer.

"W-what about you" Ambrosia stuttered, noticing Hevvins amusement. He was looking quite sheepish, how adorable.

"Oh ya know" he said, shrugging "Astrotechnology, with a minor in bioengineering" he said, waving his hand dismissively.

"Really?" Ambrosia said, awed. He clearly hadn't thought Hevvin was the type.

Quite astute of him, as he wasn't

"Nah. Art."

"Oh"

"Yeah" he said, pulling his headphones back on.

Nice talk.

It had been four months, the term was well under way, Hevvin and Ambrosia hardly knew each other better than they had on the first day- they had class times directly opposing each other and generally avoided speaking even when they did happen to be in the room together- the comprehensive list of what they had learned is this:

-Hevvin was prone to leaving things around, which Ambrosia frequently had to find and return

-Ambrosia often turned the thermostat down far too low, causing Hevvin to steal his blankets before he came in after class

-Hevvin had to be reminded to do his laundry. Often.

-Ambrosia was willing to go to all lengths, short of drawing a line across the floor, to keep his space to himself.

-Hevvin was willing to go to all lengths, INCLUDING drawing a line across the floor, for the same.

So one day, when Hevvin's evening class had been canceled due to some mishap involving an overly exuberant chemistry student the class before, the two of them had a rare, if not unheard-of 3 hours where they were together in the room, and neither of them were sleeping.

Hevvin was sketching something for a shade study in his intro to 2D class. Ambrosia had been watching his pencil scratch across the page for a solid 20 minutes, as he checked back and forth from the reference to the page.

"Uhm?"

Hevvin looked up.

"You know, I've seen you drawing nearly every free moment since term started, but I've never actually seen a finished piece"

"That's probably for the best" He mumbled, tapping the end of the pencil against his lips and staring, frustrated, at the drawing.

"What's THAT mean?" said Ambrosia, indignantly

"It means I don't think you'd particularly appreciate my style, is all" He dropped the sketchbook in his lap, defeated. "I don't think you're ready"

"Not ready? Oh come on, I'm not a child I-" He was cut off by a book fluttering across the room and smacking into his face. He looked down and flushed.

On the page were two exquisitely detailed individuals, completely nude, and…fornicating, apparently, in what seemed like a less-than-modest manner. He flipped forwards a few pages, hoping to find something more appropriate. This time he found a page full of smaller sketches, a handful of large-breasted women and extremely muscular men stood, sat, and lay, all unabashedly bare, and in many cases, extremely well hung.

"Ah, well" said Ambrosia, handing the book back to a grinning Hevvin

"Toldja"

"You know" Hevvin said, one Saturday evening in late January "I don't think I have once, even ONCE, seen you out on a Saturday night"

"Well, that's not awfully surprising" Ambrosia answered, looking up from an advanced mathematics textbook "I try to spend my Saturdays studying, so I have Sunday free"

"Wow. You need to get out more"

"I get out plenty, thank you very much, in fact every Sunday I'm out at almost all day"

"At church" Hevvin said dryly

"that's still out"

"Sure, alright there champ. D'ya ever drink?"

"Well I've had wine" Ambrosia said sheepishly

"Doesn't count. Alright, that settles it. Get ready"

"Where exactly are we going? Should I change into formalwear? I don't want to be underdressed…"

"More like undressed where we're going" Hevvin mumbled

"What was that?"

"Nothing, don't worry about it, just…put on something casual"

Thirty minutes later they were somewhere unlike anything Ambrosia had ever seen before. Except perhaps as a warning against drug and alcohol abuse.

"The Horn?" Ambrosia said nervously "I'm not sure if this is my scene"

"Oh come on, you're in college, you're 20 years old and haven't ever been a touch drunk. Have you even been kissed?"

"The legal drinking age is 21! And I'll have you know I had a girlfriend in high school"

"Oh, of course, her name was Mary Jane Goody-Two-Shoes and you two held hands once" Hevvin said smugly.

"That doesn't matter anyway" he said, blushing furiously "How do you suppose we obtain any alcohol, given that we're both under age"

"Oh" said Hevvin, gazing seductively through lidded eyes "Don't you worry"

After a quick carding (18 and up kid, oh, alright you're good) and shuffle across a moderately packed dance floor, they found seats at the end of the bar. Ambrosia was staring, wide eyed, around the dimly lit room. A long-faced waitress, scantily clad and heavily tattooed, asked them if they wanted a drink. They declined.

"This is it?" Ambrosia said, leaning close to be heard over the booming music "We're going to sit in a dark corner of a hot, loud room for a few hours? Ugh, I think I'm getting a migraine"

"Calm down" Hevvin said "wait"

And wait they did. At one point Ambrosia spotted two men, one being dragged along by the other, exit the building. It was quite clear neither was sober.

"Oh, I believe those men are going to fight" Ambrosia said worriedly, a hand over his mouth

"Oh yeah" snickered Hevvin "They'll both be feeling it in the morning"

It wasn't long before Hevvin spotted someone he knew, an older friend, guessed Ambrosia, and slid across the room to meet him. Ambrosia tried to watch him, but quickly lost him in the crowd.

A scrawny young man, who looked like he hardly should be allowed in here, crept over and leaned against the bar next to Ambrosia

"Hey" he said, tipping his head and looking at Ambrosia oddly "You new?"

"Uhm, well, yes, this is my first time here…" He said

"You don't really fit in" Said the boy bluntly. Ambrosia stared silently, unsure what to say. "You want a drink?"

Ambrosia tried to say, all at once, that that was very nice of him, thank you, but he didn't drink, and he wasn't of drinking age, but all that he had said was "Thank you, but-" and the man was beckoning to the waitress and ordering.

"A personal favourite" he said as she passed over the drink, a lightly coloured thing that looked, and, as he found out, tasted like, a barrel of fruit had gotten a tad overexcited and all simultaneously wet themselves.

"Thank you" Ambrosia said again, repressing a splutter.

At that moment Hevvin came back

"Oh, wouldja look at that" he said, spotting Ambrosia's drink and companion "Handled yourself just fine" he pointed towards the friend he had met before wandering off "He got me covered" he said hoisting his own nearly empty glass.

The man Ambrosia had been chatting with glowered at Hevvin, then Ambrosia, then downed his drink and wandered off, seeming rather upset that the conversational flow had been interrupted. Must be a drunken thing.

Otherwise, the night was rather uneventful. Ambrosia barely finished the drink that had been bought for him but was feeling somewhat dizzy by the end of the second hour. Hevvin seemed to have gotten drinks from 3 different friends by then, (Ambrosia wondered how he was so popular, he must be a regular), and he seemed to be getting quite sore around the neck, possibly because all three of the friends were significantly taller than he was.

And a few more hours droned on as such, Hevvin brought Ambrosia a drink, winked, and walked (read: stumbled) away. This was a weird night for him.

Finally, sometime between one and two in the morning, Ambrosia grabbed Hevvin by the arm and dragged him out. He thought he heard someone whistle nearby.

Outside the stifling club Ambrosia felt much steadier. He hadn't finished the second drink and had been, mostly, sober all night anyway. He grabbed a much more inebriated Hevvin by the arm and pulled him towards the car.

"Woh there cowboy" said Hevvin with a (sort-of) wink. "Who's the one in charge here?"

"I am" replied Ambrosia "Since you would be considered not only off the wagon, but rolling on the ground somewhere not-so-nearby it"

"Had your mom rolling on the ground last night" mumbled Hevvin

"Right. Here we go" Said Ambrosia, hoisting up Hevvin's dead weight. He could practically feel himself getting drunk off the alcohol on Hevvin's breath. "Gosh, you'll be drunk for a week" he grumbled

"Not the first time" Hevvin said, being dragged off towards the parking lot.

Just after 2AM they snuck as quietly as possible into the dorm. As the  
door shut Hevvin looked up at Ambrosia

"Wait" Hevvin said

Ambrosia paused in his action of dropping the sodden boy onto his bed,  
"what is it?" he asked

"You've never been kissed"

Ambrosia sighed "really? We've been over this"

He dropped Hevvin on the bed and made for the lights, but found a hand  
wrapped around his wrist, pulling him down into a very bitter and  
somewhat slobbery kiss.

"now you've been kissed" Hevvin mumbled, kicking off his shoes. He  
rolled fully onto the bed and wrapped himself up in a blanket.

"lights" he whined.

Ambrosia, somewhat stunned and even more confused, turned out the  
lights, and went to bed. Hevvin was snoring loudly for quite a while  
before he fell asleep.

Like all good Christians Ambrosia had the ability to forget things he wanted too incredibly quickly, such as the unusual events of one very exhausting night one winter. In fact, March had hardly snuck its springish and somewhat rainy fingers into the weather when he had thought he had forgotten completely about it.

About what? He asked himself. Exactly.

He leafed through a sticky-noted lit book, late one Saturday morning, trying to decide what to do for dinner that evening. Hevvin rolled out of bed and squinted at the lights, as if still wondering after all these months what horrible thing he had done to deserve a roommate who woke up before noon. He then took on an expression of slight pride as he remembered.

They had ended up with more time together in the room the second term, so this Saturday spent in each other's general presence was much less surprising than it would have been a few months ago.

Ambrosia watched out of the corner of his eye as, a few minutes later, Hevvin walked out of the bathroom, stretching, dressed in a pair of ripped and paint splattered jeans. He grabbed a bowl of cereal and sat down in front of an easel, which held a painting that had been troubling him for the past 2 weeks. He shoveled food into his mouth and stared at the painting for a while before placing the bowl to the side and picking up a pallet of paints.

"Don't dip your brush in your food again" Ambrosia warned

Hevvin grunted in reply and worked away. Ambrosia looked back to his book, which he had been struggling to focus on in the first place, it was dreadfully boring. It was much more interesting to watch an artist at work, especially an artist who so infrequently DID work that it was impossible to understand how he passed any of his classes.

For quite a while, Ambrosia watched Hevvin dab bright reds and greens onto his canvas in great loops and sweeps, then he looked up.

"Dude. Why are you staring at me?"

"What? Oh, no, sorry, just, staring into the distance…" Wait, why had he lied?

"Uh, ok" Hevvin went back to painting, and Ambrosia looked down at his books.

Sometime a few hours later Hevvin stood and stretched, poured the milk from his cereal (with a few blue and purple splotches in it) down the sink. Wiping his hands on his jeans he paced the room a few times, twirling a brush in his fingers.

Damn, thought Ambrosia

Wait, what? Thought Ambrosia

"Didn't realize I was into bad boys" mumbled Ambrosia, to Ambrosia

"Wait, what?" Said Hevvin

Oh, drat, thought Ambrosia. And then, a few moments later, wait WHAT.

"Didn't realize I was into boys" Said Ambrosia far to loudly

"Nice moment of self-discovery, can you keep it to yourself? I'm trying to think" replied Hevvin

"Wait, WHAT" Said Ambrosia, mostly to himself. He stood up and grabbed Hevvin by the shoulders, shaking him a bit "Hevvin I think I'm quite possibly a homosexual"

"You and the whole world, man" said Hevvin, tugging out of Ambrosia's grip "I honestly kind of thought that was established. Why do you think I brought you to a gay bar? It wasn't for my health" He paused "Well, I could have just as easily gone to a straight bar, is what I'm saying"

"You did what now?"

"I have to finish this, if you want to go back just use google maps, I'll pick you up if you want but I didn't think you were a drinker"

"What are you talking about" Ambrosia spluttered

"I think we may be on different wavelengths here but bottom line is you're gayer than a rainbow fruitcake and I have work to do"

Ambrosia sat back down.

Jeepers creepers, he thought.

This wasn't something Ambrosia could easily forget

Must've lost his touch.

He did, though, manage to go about his life relatively normally, despite the predictions of several well-known bigots.

He did, though, find it a little discomforting how often he stared at his roommate, which he used to think was simply out of appreciation for the art, not the artist.

Spring break was edging forward. Neither of them had plans to go home- Ambrosia couldn't afford a flight and Hevvin didn't really care to- so they were just going to use the extra week without classes to get some work done and get out a bit more.

A few days before the break started Ambrosia crept up to Hevvin, nervously fiddling with the cuff off his sleeve. "Uhm, so I hear there's a natural history museum around here…" he began

Hevvin looked up at him

"And I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go sometime next week? I know it's not really your scene but I would rather not go alone and…yeah"

"You haven't met anyone else all year have you" said Hevvin dryly

"I have! Theres a nice boy in my English lit class who did a very interesting presentation on- Listen that's not the point. Would you like to join me or not?" He said shrilly

"Sure, I'll go" he looked him up and down "But I don't know if I can be seen in public with you dressed like that. Do you own anything other than polo shirts, button ups, and khakis?"

Ambrosia scoffed "Yes! Of course, I have a pair of slacks for Sundays and formal occasions"

"Yikes. See that's your problem. Sorry, but before we go out I'm going to have to insist on you getting some new clothes"

"Like what?"

"Jeans, a band t, maybe something leather? You look like a door to door bible salesmen"

"Hevvin that's a pretty ill-conceived business model"

"Ok you are really missing the point here, you got plans for Monday? Clear them we're getting you some style"

Monday afternoon they drove out, despite Ambrosia's protests that he was FINE and didn't NEED Hevvin's help, to the local mall.

"Ok, we're going to start off easy. We're looking for a nice, plain pair of jeans, that's not hard is it?" Hevvin said as they walked through the doors of some teen-oriented clothes store.

How wrong could he be.

"Ok so first of all those are womens' pants" He said "and I'm not gunna judge or anything but even THEY don't want to wear them. Second of all, they're 40 year old womens' pants. I thought this place was safe from your elderly sense of style but I guess not" he pulled out a pair of dark skinny jeans and raised his eyebrows

"Those look absolutely delinquent! Where do your ankles go?"

"That's the mystery, man" he said, throwing them at him

Half an hour later they hadn't found anything they could agree on. They moved on.

It wasn't until 3pm that they found, in the back corner of a J.C. Penny's, a pair of solid, not distressed, kind-of-but-not-too skinny jeans that Ambrosia deigned acceptable, if not favourable.

"Ok, phase two" Hevvin said, long having realized his mistake but still unrelenting "A shirt"

He dragged him into a small, dark store. Every inch of the wall was covered in hanging t-shirts, posters, and display cases full of body jewelry.

"this is basically the only place with decent shirts in this entire mall, despite it's over the top gloominess it's not that bad" Hevvin said, noticing Ambrosia's somewhat disgusted face. "What music do you like?"

"Uh, well, I do listen to Lady Gaga occasionally" he said awkwardly

"Oh, wow, ok you might actually be the biggest dweeb I've ever met"

They browsed through lines of heavy metal band logos and anime characters, looking for something suitable.

Finally they stopped. This was stupid.

They went next door and quickly found a simple, black and white baseball shirt with ¾ sleeves and called it a moderately successful day.

"I still can't believe you made me do this" Ambrosia whined when they returned to their dorm

"If you had a sense of style that would have been so much easier"

"It was all so uncomfortable!"

"That's the price of fashion, bud, get used to it"

They both flopped down on their beds and grumbled about the lunacy of the other for a while.

"So, museum tomorrow?" Ambrosia asked hopefully

"Yeah, that's the deal"

They woke up Tuesday morning, Hevvin grumbling that it was far too early to be awake and Ambrosia complaining about the ridiculous clothes he was being forced to wear.

"They're normal clothes, Ambrosia" said Hevvin as they got into his car, which he liked to think was cooler than Ambrosia's, even though it really wasn't.

"This isn't that early, its only 9, the suns been up for hours" Ambrosia replied

They walked up the marble steps and entered. The main exhibit hall had a huge glass case with a bunch of life sized animals posed around it, making a jungle theme. Ambrosia picked up a museum guide and unfolded it while Hevvin wandered towards the exhibit. He started reading a plaque about the python coiled around a plastic tree branch. A little kid ran up and pressed her face against the glass, staring at the lunging tiger.

He had wandered halfway down one side, reading descriptions of south Asian wildlife, when Ambrosia walked up behind him.

"There's a pretty interesting looking piece on ungulates upstairs, and a crystal exhibit in the left wing that seems fascinating" He said

"Hey, chill, we have all day. Look at this sick bird" Hevvin said, pointing.

They made their way around the glass case, reading about a dozen exotic plants and animals. They moved on to a Mammalian room in the right side of the building, where a cartoon rat-looking-thing led them through the evolution of mammals starting in the prehistoric times ("Hey Ambrosia , they say this thing is our ancestor….looking at you I can see the family resemblance" "That was uncalled for") . They climbed a spiral staircase to a room full of reptile skeletons, with a t-rex skull on a red pillow in the center. They crossed to find the ungulates room ("It's just a bunch of things with hooves where's the huge sharp teeth, where's the blood covered claws, where's the THRILL Ambrosia, There's no THRILL"). Then they climbed down again to find the crystal exhibit.

Ambrosia's eyes lit up. There was a massive quartz crystal in one corner, a glittering gem in another, and a faceted composite of a million colours in the center. To the left and right doors led into other rooms. Hevvin snapped a few pictures of the composite in the middle, hoping it would turn out well enough to use for colour inspiration. Then he took a picture of Ambrosia, who blinked and recoiled.

"What did you do that for"

"You look like a kid on Christmas man, it's kinda adorable"

Ambrosia crossed his arms "You could ASK first, at the very least" he was blushing.

"Ok, pushy, may I PLEASE take a picture of your face? "

"you may" Ambrosia said, posing.

"Ugh, not now, you're so awkward. You've gotta not be expecting it"

"You're the artist" Ambrosia shrugged.

They went from room to room, Ambrosia staring at the fossils and  
crystals, Hevvin snapping pictures. They left the last room and  
entered the entrance hall again around 1 in the afternoon.

"How's lunch sound?" Hevvin asked "there's a little Caffè nearby  
that's pretty decent, I know the chick who runs it"

"Why do you know so many people? Is this an artist thing?"

"Eh, more of a local thing, it's got its perks" He grinned "Coffee's on me?"

"How can I say no to that"

Hevvin brought him to a tiny little place with heavily curtained windows.  
"Welcome to Leenan's" He said, opening the door "Oh, and take your  
last breath of fresh air for a while"

Inside was dark, lit mostly by candles, except the kitchen. The air  
was heavily perfumed and the floor and chairs were covered in lacy  
pillows. It looked like a bad fortune teller had taken a turn for the  
Gothic. No one else was there.

Hevvin walked up to the counter.  
"Leenan!"

"Whaaaaaaat" Someone called from a back room.

"She's never really expecting many customers" Hevvin muttered to Ambrosia.  
A tall blond woman walked out, she was older, probably in her 30s, but  
quite handsome. She saw Hevvin and grimaced.

"Whaddya want?" she said, grabbing a mug "I have business ya know"

Hevvin ordered for the both of them, coffees and pastries, and they  
sat down. She hustled back to the back room.

"She does realize there's no one else here, right, we ARE her  
business" said Ambrosia quietly

"Well, let's just say that coffee isn't really her main concern"

Ambrosia's eyes widened

"Yeah she's kinda a nasty crone…."

"I thought you said you were friends with the owner"

"I said I knew her, is all, I think she hates my guts to be honest"

"Then why do you come here?" Ambrosia asked

Hevvin grinned "To fuck with her"

They finished eating and brought their mugs back up to the counter.  
This time the woman appeared without being called.

"Thanks Leenan" Hevvin said sweetly "you're beautiful as ever" he winked

"Oh, shut ya trap, you're not gettin anywhere. Take yaself and ya boy  
toy and scoot. Go on!" she flapped her hands at them and they left.  
Hevvin almost fell over himself laughing.

"boy toy?" Ambrosia asked, embarrassed

"Yeah" Hevvin waved his hand dismissively "she acts like I've brought  
a million dates in there, I'm almost honored she thinks I could do it"

"Dates" Ambrosia said in an even higher pitch, blushing

"Uh yeah?" then it dawned on him "Oh, I totally thought this was a  
date did I fuck it up"

Ambrosia froze

"Oh yikes awkward" Hevvin said, rubbing the back of his neck "right,  
so, I never said that, and I'm an idiot forever"

"No no!" said Ambrosia finally "It, uh, it can be a date. This can  
have been a date"

"Oh, ok. Cool. Nice"

"So I guess we can go home now"

"Yeah sure"

"Yep"

They walked to the car and climbed in.

"So uh" Ambrosia said "in the future, perhaps, we could arrange another?"

"I don't see why not"


End file.
